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The Alter Guild

Dum dum de dum. It's T-minus less than three months til the wedding day. Not sure how the planning is going. I suppose we'll see when we get there.

We're getting married at St. Alban's Church here is Waco. We love this little church, its rector Jeff Fisher, and the congregation (even though we haven't really gotten to know them). And since Jeff is marrying us and the church is so graciously opening its doors to our guests on the white-hot day I'm sure August 28 will be, I decided to take some time to demonstrate our gratitude.

So I've volunteered for the Alter Guild. Unfortunately, I'll only get to serve on it...three times before we move to Roswell, New Mexico. However, I'm thinking that I could serve on the alter guild at our new Roswell church, whichever (of the TWO Episcopal churches) it may be.

Yesterday afternoon I met the rest of my Alter Guild team up at the church and had a crash course on how to set everything up. There was so much to learn! There were all sorts of cloths and bowls and silver goblets, crystal pitchers. So many mysteries and things to learn.

When you go "backstage" of a church so steeped with tradition, the mystery does not dissipate. It actually gets thicker. You would think that learning what goes on behind the scenes is like learning the steps of a magician's trick. It's not. It only makes things more complicated. No illusion is lifted. Instead, you become even more convinced that you'll never untangle all the ins and outs of the worship of a Holy God.

That's how I felt as a much younger girl, when the priests at my cousin's Catholic church hosted her birthday lunch in their home. Priestly humor, and the immense amount of books, and the bond they shared, and the strange presence of alcohol only made things more complicated. My aunt had asked me not to share details about inside the rectory, just out of respect for the private lives of the priests.

It's a good thing, though. I like that the details never stop unfolding, the complication of things.

Undertow

your mouth makes a perfect o

small, smaller than my own

and cool, your afternoon well spent waiting

(my palm against you)

what had you to do anyway?

it's sunday.

and i tip you toward me waiting, wanting

will you rush at me too warm?

have you turned cold?

my mouth meets the firmness of yours

you are fresh and reposed

subtly bitter

so many feelings rush at me

your familiar sweetness

the thickness of your taste

the startling cold, unexpected greeting

and your powerful warmness

awake(!), enough to pull me up

undertow

** The undertow is a delightful concoction enjoyed at the Starbucks at Central Texas Marketplace. There are variations of it elsewhere in coffee shops across the world but as far as I know this particular one originated here. Created by a friendly yet aloof male barista, it is a layered espresso shot. The first layer is shot of syrup (mine is SF Vanilla), the second layer is a hint of cold milk, and it is topped by a fresh shot of espresso. Delicious and effective, it became a staple for many a secret service agent stopping in on his or her way to the President's ranch in nearby Crawford.

Here is someone else's post about the undertow. Just do a search for them and it will return reviews from all over the country.

_________________________________

One more thing. While we're on this topic. I find that this drink articulately describes a feeling I have quite often. Yes, sorry, an existential feeling. (See my sentences get choppier as I try to avoid Dear Diary-ing). I just feel like my everyday is caught in an undertow. With all I am I am desiring and creating who I am and what I want to do. Still, I feel powerless to actually propel myself into actualizing those desires. My books remain unread, letters do not write themselves, and schools cannot accept me without my applying to them.

I don't feel like I'm just treading water I'm swimming, pushing forward, but progress is so indiscernible. This week I accomplished one big push in turning in an application to a great school at which I would love to teach. By this time next week, I will accomplish one more great step in regards to graduate school. Little by little. Building my Rome.

Any push I do have. That is from the Lord.

likely story

I didn't take any pictures this week because my SD card was in my net book and I kept forgetting to take it out and put it in my camera.

to think about:

leaves waffling through the air

perpetual sadness

heartbreak as the portal into adulthood

genetics

new ideas or old ones?

Kant and the unstoppable urge to categorize everything

the lie of advertising

how long has House been on T.V.? long time.

Preparing to Be the Woman I Want to Be

At the end of yoga we lay down in savasana- the corpse pose. Having exhausted (ha-we wish) every muscle, we surrender completely to the ground, our souls pointing upward, arms outstretched as they fall, and palms up, ready to receive and to give blessings.

This is my favorite time. In savasana I feel the most like myself. In savasana I connect with Sara past, present, and future.

I see my lowliness before the Creator and my sprightly spirit He has filled with joy. In savasana I can make any decision, I can know the desires of my true self, and the way of birds and roots and leaves.

In these moments of clarity, after I have opened up every muscle and exhaled stale air out of the hidden cavities of my lungs, after asking forgiveness, and laying there at his mercy, my path becomes a little bit more clear and sun shines on another inch of destiny.

There are some habits I need to form to become the woman I want to be, the woman I want Mitch to marry. One habit I started working on this week-- carrying my camera every day and getting at least one good shot to share. Here are the pictures from this last week:

Sunday: Rejoicing over bluebonnets. During this celebrations some "bluebonnet activists" drove by and shouted "F*^& you!"

Monday: Mitch making one of my favorite faces of his-- consternation, resulting from this new big bottle beer we were trying, Collaboration Not Litigation. Perfect setting for discussing flowers for the wedding.

Tuesday: tree at work
Wednesday or Thursday (not sure): calf at work
Friday: glamour at the Hollywood Jewel in Waco-- Alyssa and Jason

Gratuitous picture of Clark and June which I love.

Saturday

love songs for the engage-d

Hello. Mitch asked me to marry him.

!!!!!!!!

We would like to center our wedding on a line from a beloved poem and have the entirety to it read during the ceremony. Today while searching for the most fitting poem, I realized something. Because, I mean, we love poetry and to read it aloud to each other. One might think that since this is the case we would already know a perfect one, right? Actually no.

Because a majority of our relationships has been spent apart, separated by long Texas highways (and multiple states at times) I've realized that many of our favorite love poems are about separation and not togetherness.

So, it is time to harvest a new crop of favorites-- poetry that gives us the language of together, of forever. Suggestions are more than welcome.

Thank you for reading us all the way through our dating relationship, fellow bloggers. Here's to the next stretch of open road.

Book Review: Orthodoxy

"The modern world is full of the old Christian values gone mad."

- G.K. Chesterton

Orthodoxy is a book that I should have devoured a year ago. In retrospect, I see all of the dark nights of the soul that it could have saved me, buffered me from. Yet, the lessons I learned waging my own existential and metaphysical mind battles were well worth the wounds they inflicted and the scars I am left with. This book is wonderful. Read it. Although I thought I couldn't adore mysticism any more than I do, this book has me falling in love with not knowing all over again.

Hello

I took myself out on a date at lunch time. The cold salad plate made me swoon and the soup was novel. I read a book and felt nostalgic.

Technicolor Life

It is easy to become wrapped up in life. It is difficult to wrap one's mind around life. My mind bounces in pin-ball fashion between the complexities and simplicities of existence. Mystery is no stranger to me, so answers I expect not, or, if ever, rarely. This moment, some things glitter with epiphany-esque novelty and surety. They are certain, were certain a moment ago. Today they are foundational, tomorrow-- ethereal. That is fine; that is flux.

Example. It has ever been hard for me to decide if life is exceedingly simple, with everything being homogenous and rote, or if it is indeed composed of endless complexities. Finally, a picture came to mind that reconciled the two polar ideas. As mundane as this sounds, the picture was a chart. In the middle is the one, the good, God-- Alpha, Omega. God is beginning, end, all, the I Am. Then, branching out from the center in several directions are the themes of life. They are simple, because everything under the sun comes back to them. They are ancient and fresh. Love, Friendship, Family, Pride, Fear-- maybe. Themes, who am I to define them? Most are self-evident. And then from each of these themes a million, a billion, a trillion complexities sprout and become entangled with each other, forming knots, forming hybrids, forming, sprouting, shooting, twisting into infinity. They are the individuals, the quirks, the eras, the ambiguities, the details. And all go back to the themes, and all go back to the one, the good, God, being.

Here today, gone tomorrow. What I like about ideas like this that fall into my head is how they always seem to make life a shade clearer. Once they append to my worldview, I feel like I am just that much closer to getting it, to things clearing up, to enjoying the world as it is. It's like this little toy Mitch just gave himself. It's a little box that hooks up to his sound system that enhances the sound that comes out of the speakers. It makes sound come out like it was intended to be heard. It enriches the colors of all the notes that swirl out. Technicolor music notes, if you will.

That is what moments of clarity are like. They bring out the deeper shades of life. Brights brighten, depths deepen. Etc.

Grace and peace.

Blood and Guts

It has been a long time since I've written a blog. At least six weeks, because it has been that long since I quit my job. The job I moved to Waco for. The job I hated 95% of the time: being a nanny for Family X.

You might have noticed that I never blogged about nannying. That is because I rarely had anything good to say about it. There were a few days here or there where I enjoyed my job. Where I thought, "Hey, I'm successfully running a household. How satisfying!" or "I love that I can cook whatever my heart desires for Family X because they buy all the ingredients I need!"

Those days were just too few and far between. Whatever you are doing, find joy in it. If it is ridiculously difficult to find joy in it, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Whewwwwww..... A gust of wind.

I am glad that the Lord delivered me from that place. It is nice to be happy again. Even though what the future holds for me is uncertain, I feel good and feeling good stands in stark contrast to how I felt during my ten weeks of employment.

Currently, I temp in an office in town. It is nice. Everyone acts office-y. Even I do. I walk around with my shirt tucked in, and a coffee cup in my raised right hand. Even though I just count beans and especially despite the fact that I am paid peanuts, I really delight in going in and contributing something to whatever it is that they do. Being a part of a team is nice.

Funny rabbit story? Yes, I have one. Tonight my bunny Luna was laying down on the hearth by the fireplace. She likes that spot because it is nicely cool. Well I walked over there and layed down by her on the hearth and opened a magazine. She absolutely did not understand. She treated me like a total invader and started pushing me away with her nose and eating my magazine. She even nipped at my heel which is quite odd. I moved over in the opposite direction about half a foot, which satisfied her and she layed back down and permitted me to pet her.

Schnitzel & Crap Cobbler (How My Summer After College Sorta Stunk)

Two things occurred today that I never expected. The first came as an involuntary praise to God during my morning commute. Suddenly I realized how thankful I am to Him that summer is over. He had delivered me from the longest, most exhausting and flavorless days of summer I had ever endured. Never have I not been reluctant for summer away. This year it changed. Being a nanny for four children during the summer in this small city was a greater challenge that I ever imagined. And today, it is over. Today was the first day of school.

The second thing is that I am stuck at work because my defunct blueberry & strawberry cobbler took an audacious amount of time to bake. Who'da thunk it?

In all fairness though, my weekends during the second half of the summer were super fun because Mitch and I filled them with weekend trips. Also, having to cook every day for this family has been a welcome task that I look forward to. Blehh! Life!

virginia woolf

Thank you for introducing me to so many new people (characters), Virginia Woolf. Your genius lies in that now I know so many more people that I do and do not really know at all.

Taking Care of Business

Feeling good. Two days a week I have "half" days where I only work from 1-6:30. Today is such. I love these days.

I received my first paycheck. It was a great feeling. Working full time rules! Eh. Not really, but my work is good and money is good and paying bills is good, too, which is what I've done so far today. I'm a bit skeptical of online bill pay through my bank. The only thing I've used it for in the past was my credit cards which are through my bank. Fool proof. Now we'll see if such and such water service in Utah receives my money. Fingers crossed.

Also tried to get my delivery of the Times to stop being scattered. Wish I had gotten on it sooner because they just credit your account if you report missing your paper. I thought it might be more difficult. Nope.

Also, excited about using Mint.com to help me better manage my money. Wahoo!

In the works: an article for Pop Culture & Faith about nihilism and independent films. I'm really enjoying rereading pieces of Dr. Wood's Placing Aesthetics for this piece. He is so brilliant.

Adult Ed.

Today I read something surprising in Mortimer Adler's The Paideia Proposal: An Educational Manifesto. He states in it that real education happens after someone completes their education, when they are on their own, when their maturity is put to the test, when they make crucial life decisions.

This was surprising because we post-mod babies are raised to look backward into our childhoods for the most shaping moments in our lives. It is true that the stuff adults are made of is indeed concocted when we are young. There can be no denying that. I know my dad is still moved in his heart by "the way he was raised," despite how far he feels that he strayed from that.

But, maybe Adler is still right. When we're out of school, when all training wheels are off, when we pedal so far that we cannot look back and see our mothers standing behind us we have the chance to either bend and break under independence and responsiblity, or to stand stronger, and more resilient against their weight.

God and the Pope

This morning I finished reading Orlando while standing on the third step in the pool. What a whirlwind of ideas and drama and description! I don't know how to review it, yet. I just know that I couldn't have read it at a better time in my life. Love.

Outside of this Starbucks, two men are sitting, shooting the breeze. They've provided me quite a bit of entertainment. For a while I couldn't see one of their faces because it was hidden past the other one's head. He was speaking, which I could only infer by the wildness in his hands as they gestured and made motions and acted things out. I watched them with a bit of fascination. He made a fist and acted like he was stuffing things into it. He demonstrated the length of his forearm. He made circles. He patted invisible heads. All the while I was imagining that he was God and was retelling the creation of the world and it made me laugh. Especially when he patted the heads. The other man has unruly white hair and is smoking. He has thick RayBan glasses. I'm pretending he was once a Pope. God is also wearing glasses, which I can see because he is sitting back in his chair now and they dialogue interchangably and flick their cigarrettes. I never figured him for a Cowboys' fan. He's wearing their hat.

Under The Covers

It's been a skip-between-books summer so far. Quite unlike me. The problem was in my choice to read Ulysses by James Joyce first. Can I say, "Not compelling"? The rambling streets of Dublin dialect and the wandering thoughts ARE GREAT, seriously, but they don't exactly entice me to pick the book up in my every spare second. It isn't a difficult read. It's just a monster. 

So, I've been reading other things in the meantime . Before I jumped into Ulysses I reread Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in anticipation of the movie's July release which makes me squeal every time I think about it. 

Then I happened upon a five dollar copy of Skinny Bitch at, yes, Books-A-Million, which upon completion had me completely convinced that to not be vegan was to be near evil, doomed to develop cancer, and cursed to lead a fat, fat, life. Buyers of this book beware! It is no glam diet and health book, it is vegan seduction! Thankfully, the emotions wore down to a nub, and I have settled on stocking my kitchen with vegan versions of all of my staples: milk, butter, chorizo (haha, only half kidding), sugar, oil and commited to buy as much organic produce as I can afford. I'm eating way more fruits and veggies, reading the labels of food before I buy them, and am almost completely eradicating meat from my diet (at least when I'm at home, which is often), and drinking so much more water. I do have a drink with my dinner almost every night, usually a red wine or Mexican beer, but I'm listening to my body a lot more when it says, "I'm thirsty! Parched, even! Give me a gulp of water!" It actually makes having a glass of wine much more enjoyable and longer lasting when I am alternating sips of water. Yum. It's not a complete lifestyle overhaul, but it is a change for the better. 

Also, I'm reading The Sacredness of Questioning Everything by David Dark. Dr. Naugle gave this to me as a graduation gift. It's even signed with a note to me by the author! So neat! Whenever I read a particularly cool passage I flip to the front where the note is and think: "Wow! He's heard of my "work"! He's so cool!" 

Here and there I read or reread pieces of Walden. The connection is simple. He was alone. I am alone. His life is beautiful. I want my life to be beautiful. If you have never read Walden, your life is not as rich as it could and should be.

Today I decided to crack open another one of my "Novel Summer" goals: Orlando, by Virginia Woolf. How have my eyes never before traced the lines of her witty prose? I am in love. Deeply, deeply in love.

Debateably worth mentioning: The New York Times and I have become friends, on the weekdays. 

Finally, much to the relief of my spirit, the BCP and one of the gospels and I have resumed our morning meetings. 

Turning Points

Tonight my adventure ended right where my new one has begun, Waco. I took a trip last week to catch up with old friends in the Hill Country, both in Austin and in Burnet. Magnificent trip, really! Wading in Barton Springs! Paddling a boat in Lake Buchanan! Tonight I took a drive down Highway 29, and was reminded of how I once knew it so well, spotting the places I'd pull over to watch the stars and what was once a coffee shop that made me feel at ease. After I hit 35, the sunset in the West guided me back home.

I wrote a journal entry there that I have decided to share with you. Enjoy.

I'm in Burnet. My expectations were wrong and now I'm paying the price. I'm sad. I wanted to see what was the same and go to my favorite places as if all of my memories are still tucked within them rather than hidden in me. I should have braced myself for what's different, what's changed. But I didn't do that. So now I'm sad that Kiri's (a coffee shop) is gone. The man from the Knife store was out front as I walked up so happily with my books in one hand and he shook his head at me as I stuck out my bottom lip, the prospect of walking back into one my homes completely and utterly terminated. "For lease" was written in loopy cursive on the glass storefront. The man said it had been closed since January. Regretfully, now I am just caught in nostalgia about the hours spent there and the open mic nights that truly blessed me. 

The Riverwalk still makes me happy though. It is just as peaceful as I left it. Green grass, a breeze through the leaves of these huge, old trees, the sound of the fountains of water, and the golden glints of sunlight hitting the ripples of water in the creek. (Here's where I must have forgotten my treasured descriptive words!) Tonight a movie will be shown here and the town will fill the lawn with blankets, children, and popcorn.

It turns out that a lot of my girls didn't fare so well after I left. It was both disappointing and not surprising. 

I wonder if I have too quickly gotten tied down. Yet, I love what I'm tied down to, and it is my heart that is bound, the most voluntary thing, which means that I want to be tied to that which my heart clings. I just want to accomplish at least part of that for which I have the potential. It often seems like there aren't enough lifetimes for what I want to see, accomplish, do, and live.

People ask me "Why Waco?" But a year ago they asked "Why Michigan?" Three years ago it was "Why Burnet?" and four years ago "Why DBU?" but in every experience I've undergone remarkable growth, been happy with  my choices, and enjoyed my life. Everywhere, people have fascinated me and I've loved hearing their stories and getting involved in their lives and communities. I haven't ever felt geographically out of the will of God. He leads me ever to green pastures, not to glamourous ones.  

Today I sat down and chatted with two of the most important and charming people I met in my Burnet adventure. Alisha is now the age I was when I moved there. It isn't like I needed recognition but I asked her how she would like to move to a small town where she hardly knew anyone. She just laughed and shook her head and said she had been thinking about that, too. Now she can finally understand what I did and come close to thinking about how it felt, striking out on my own at 19. She asked me, "Were you scared?" 

I thought about it for a few moments, trying to put myself back in that place in my heart and mind. "No. Not really," I said. "I was a little nervous, but I was more scared of what would happen to me if I didn't go. I knew it was what God wanted, so I didn't want to go out side of that. Plus, how could I miss such a great adventure?"

As it was then, may it now be.

The New York Times

This video is from last night.

This morning I began a relationship with The New York Times that I truly wish will be a long and happy one. Since my adventure in Waco does not include having a T.V. (or a microwave lol) and since the newspaper industry seems down for the count, I became a weekday subscriber (for 50% off the regular price!). 

This morning my first paper arrived at my doorstep. How freakin' convenient!!! 

One of the cover stories caught my attention immediately. It's entitled "Tough Challenges Face a Reshaper of Schools" and is about how Arne Duncan, the chief executive of Chicago public schools and Obama's education secretary gave over 12 schools a makeover by firing all of its faculty and staff, completely restaffing it and constructing new accountability programs that include every student,  many parents, and everyone on staff there, including the cooks. All of these schools were failing. Now he wants to do the same with thousands of schools nationwide who are equally REJECTS. 

Is this an effective  method to improve public education? Do we have talented teachers and administrators  just out there available to staff these re-try's? I'm not sure about all this, yet. BUT, one thing I'm glad of is that the decrepit American public school system is getting a ton of attention, and also 6 billion dollars in bailout money. Thank you, President Obama.

Decisions

Many things are common sense. Many common sensical things are oft forgotten. 

For instance, decisions. It seems like common sense that we cannot decide our futures in just one day. Yet, if this is so matter of fact, why do we feel the weight of the future in every decision so often during this time, our 20's? I do not forget that I am the sort of personality that feels anxiety about these things, especially prematurely. Some people are more successful at being chill. All I can say is that I'm trying to take things one moment at a time, to do an adequate amount of planning and preparing, and a moderate amount of kicking back and basking in the now.

We don't decide the rest of our lives in one day. Instead, it is everyday that we make decisions that shape the rest of our lives. Little by little, moment by moment, we carve out our place in the present and those little channels we dig lead us to the opportunities of tomorrow. 

Today is for eating healthy food and reading good books. Tomorrow I will pick up where I left off. The next day is determined by the day before. 

Many movies and books feature versions of this theme. Butterfly Effect, and that one with Nicholas Cage. But, oddly enough, the one that I think is on the right track is actually Click, because it was once the remote figured outt what Adam Sandler's character would do in certain situations, it just kept making those small decisions for him. It was the summation of those minute decisions that delivered unto him the most undesirable life. Something to keep in mind.